HAVE YOU GOT THE *RIGHT* LOOK???
Today…somehow…..in the morning….I remembered my *Lost Opportunity No. 3*…..and kept thinking about him….through the entire morning…..
He is a dentist….living in London…..and an Indian by birth….education…..and since I know him well….by heart and soul as well…..
I remember him very fondly and with a lot of love for him…….
But then I am also reminded of some of his *qualities* that would really tick me off…..not that I would get angry….or blow a fuse….or have a lovers’ tiff…..’coz we were not lovers…….and he did not know (and still does not) that I was gay…..and I think he never acknowledged the fact that he preferred men to women….( he told me that the things he like women to for him were licking his ass and fingering it……how gay is that???)…..
So coming back to the *qualities* he possessed……he had this terrible longing to *fit* into the white community – the white doctors in the hospital……and then since he was obviously not one of them….he used to try convincing them about his distant European lineage…..which according to me and a few of my white friends was so distant that you can barely call it a valid one……
He also tried to act like a local British Asian boy and tried to pass off as one of them……it was like he constantly used to suck up to these local people and try to imitate them……
The local Londoners were nice and probably that’s the reason why they did not tell him that…..or they genuinely liked his facade ….I dunno…..but some of my friends who were originally from Britain really found him……obnoxious……
He always used to tell me how to dress the *right* way….talk the *right* way….and act the *right* way….with the local boys to be popular…….
But can’t you be popular dressing, walking and acting the way you are ???……you don’t come from a god-forsaken place to be crude and rude otherwise !!!
Then….slowly he started hanging out with a group of local boys…..more and more……going to pubs and parties with them……(and one of the boys told me that they don’t like him much)……but consequently…..we met less and less often……I guess I was not *foreign* enough for him (poor old desi boy)…..and drifted apart…..
I still do not understand what was the compulsive need to have the *right* look…..and fit yourself in a niche where you do not belong…….
Is it to impress someone or to impress yourself ???
And does it really work ???
Poor Indian-Londoner…..I’m sure he must still be looking for the *right* look for the *right* friends…….I pity him now……
BTW...had gone to the gym in the evening as against morning and the *hot-guy-count* for the day was a whopping 11 (seriously....that's a lot for my gym....and sadly I cannot go in the evenings regularly)....and 11 is excluding me !!! ; - )
posted by jerry_mumbai at 3:32 PM
6 Comments:
I've been reading your blog and its pretty good, but I'm curious about one thing. You write about how you're in the closet by personal decision and I respect that - I spent many years in the closet myself and can understand the compulsions that keep you there. But reading the many comments in your blog about how hard the gay world in India is, I find no mention of the fact that there is actually a fairly open gay community in India, and particularly Mumbai. I don't just mean the Gaybombay group (with which I'm associated) but many other groups, both formal and informal. Aren't you aware of these, or if you, aren't you even slightly curious about them?
Vikram
That’s me!!! Hanuman ; ) …..just kidding…….
And Vikram……glad you liked my blog……I really do not know anyone personally from the *out and proud* Indian gay community…….but that is becoz of the fact that the friends that I have got….and my profession as well partly….keeps me busy and within my own small group otherwise……
But Vikram….I regularly receive mails from gaybombay….I do read ALL of them…..religiously……(and I do know that you are a part of the organizers)….you guys are doing a great job….an honour to congratulate you personally for the same……
It is just that I really cannot be a part of all this right now…..but I hope to be a part of it when I can….adieu……
Fair enough and the purpose of writing to you wasn't to push you into doing something you're not comfortable with. As you say, there may come a time when you're ready for it.
The only point I'd want to correct is when you describe GB as "the 'out and proud' Indian gay community". Some of us are, some of us aren't, many of us are stuck somewhere in between and for most of us its no great issue.
I make this point because I know from my own experience that one of the perversions that is forced on us by the closet is to make coming out seem far more than it is. You create a picture of the other world outside which is so daunting that you use it to justify your decision not to take part in it.
But it is still _your_ picture and not necessarily the real one. And while I love the Internet in all its weirdness and variety I think it does complicate matters by making it easier to be in the closet since you can access gay material in relative safety, which is fine, except that you start thinking that this is all you need, and I can't help thinking that's sad when real life alternatives are available.
But as you said, maybe the day will come.
no Vikram....of all the thing that you have written....one thing i would beg to differ is the fact that i am creating a picture to the outside world that it is very daunting to *come out* here and i am justifying my decision that way.....
well...it isn't true.....it *is* daunting for some people to come out (even over here in mumbai).....but it isn't impossible...
and i am not making any kinds of generalizations over here.......it concerns me and only me......
Right, but since you're a good blogger I'd like to see you address this in a post: what is it that makes it so daunting for someone like you to come to a gay space in Bombay?
yes I will vikram.....
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